If you’re a shy or introverted woman like me, I am sure that you admire those effortlessly outgoing, extroverted women.
They always seem to be talking to everyone as if it were so easy. They always seem to know what to say.
Meanwhile, you might find yourself thinking twice before speaking up or maybe feeling awkward in large groups!
So how can you be confident just like those women?
But… why would you want to be confident in exactly the same way as them?
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Here’s the trend I’ve noticed: society is bombarding us with the idea that confidence = an extroverted personality.
But here’s something I’ve learned after studying different people and situations in my life: You don’t need to be loud to be confident.
In fact, you can be one of the most magnetic, alluring, and confident women in the room while barely raising your voice.
If you don’t believe me, think about someone like Monica Bellucci. She is known for being private, even introverted and reserved about her personal life, yet she has an incredibly magnetic and powerful presence.
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Everyone loves her.
I hope with this article to finally put an end, once and for all, to the struggle of shy women who try to push themselves to be like extroverted people.
I collected the most critical and crucial habits that helped me develop quiet confidence. I am no longer ashamed of not being the loudest person in the room. I am confident in the fact that I am introverted, and I own it.
So, if you’re a quiet woman who wants to become more confident, here are 11 habits to help you become confident and feminine, even if you’re shy or introverted.
1. Treat Your Introversion and Shyness as an Asset
So, we have this idea in society that being loud, extroverted, and talkative is something desirable and signals confidence. This is seen as the ultimate way to become successful.
But this is a very skewed version of reality.
And this is because it would mean that only those people really succeed in life—and that people who are shy or introverted are miserable.
However, that is absolutely not what is happening in reality.
Because in reality, you find many introverted and shy women who are very successful and thriving in life.
And there is actually an interesting point here from psychology. In fact, research has found situations where more introverted leadership characteristics can be particularly effective and desirable!
However, those introverted people who are fulfilled in life often have one thing in common: self-acceptance.
And this is why it is crucial for you to accept that your shyness and introversion can be powerful strengths.
But because society has been focusing so much on extroverted people, it requires a lot of work and awareness from you to really convince yourself of this.
One way to do that is to find examples in your personal life or online of people who are shy and introverted but are extremely successful in all areas of life.
My own personal favorite is Monica Bellucci.
Another way is to work on your self-awareness. Every time you catch yourself trying to act like an extrovert, come back to your true self and remind yourself that you are great just the way you are.
2. Replace “Confident” With “Calm”
This point blew my mind and absolutely changed the trajectory of my own journey toward becoming more confident.
You see, many women, when they try to increase their confidence, try to act like an extroverted person.
Because we think that being loud, assertive, and talkative is equal to being confident.
But what if you were to change this equation?
Instead of:
Loud = confident
what if you said:
Calm = confident?
And there is actually research that supports this idea. Research on how people perceive confidence in speakers has found that perceived confidence is associated with how relaxed and competent the speaker appears. In other words, people who are perceived as more relaxed are also more likely to be perceived as confident.
So what does this mean for you?
It means that you no longer have to chase being more extroverted.
You can simply remain calm.
And this is your safe zone. This is your comfort zone.
For example, whenever you need to give a presentation, maybe you used to try to push yourself to be funny, talkative, energetic, and entertaining.
I used to do this too.
But instead, what you can simply do is remain calm. Speak clearly. And don’t rush.
And you may be surprised by how differently people perceive you—and, even more importantly, how differently you feel.
Because instead of fighting against your natural personality, you’re finally working with it.
3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Extroverted People
If you’re shy or introverted, I am quite sure that you’ve been at some point in your life comparing yourself to an extroverted person.
And those questions popped up in your head:
“How come they are so at ease talking with so many people?”
“How come they are so comfortable in front of a large group of people, presenting, or in front of a camera?”
“Why can’t I do that so easily?”
However, comparison is a killer of confidence.
Psychologists have studied social comparison for decades. One of the concepts they talk about is upward social comparison — when you compare yourself to someone you perceive as being better than you in a particular area.
And this is exactly what you’re doing when you look at an extroverted woman and think:
You’re taking the qualities that you already feel insecure about and comparing yourself to someone who seems to have them naturally.
So this is why it is beneficial for you to really only compare yourself to your own version of yourself from yesterday.
This is the healthiest comparison you can make.
And it will serve you way more than trying to compare yourself to extroverted people.
4. Study How Confident People Think
As an introverted woman, I used to be a bit shy about dressing myself in a very feminine way.
And it was because I noticed the attention from men and even women. Sometimes I would prefer to hide myself and not dress myself up, just to avoid that attention.
But then I came across my confident friend, who’s always dressing herself in a very feminine way. And she explained to me, or rather, she shared how she thinks about it, and it really made me think and rethink my own thought patterns.
So here’s how she thinks:
“Oh, I don’t really think much about what others think of me. And if I see that someone is paying attention to me, I always assume it’s in a positive way. Like, I know I look fabulous, so I assume they also think that I’m fabulous.”
And this was so interesting for me because my thought pattern was completely different.
First of all, I would notice a lot when people were looking at me.
And second, when I noticed someone looking at me, I would think, “Oh my gosh, she must be thinking that I think I’m the queen in here, that I think I’m so much prettier than her. She must be having really bad thoughts about me.”
Or if it was a man, I would think, “Oh my gosh, he probably wants to talk to me, and I will need to try not to awkwardly push him away.”
And because of these completely different thought patterns, our reality was absolutely different.
She had way less stress, while I was stressed.
She appeared relaxed and confident, and she was having fun during her day, while I was trying to make myself smaller in front of everyone.
I was thinking about my every move. I wasn’t relaxed, and I couldn’t fully enjoy my day.
And I think it’s really interesting to study these thought patterns.
Because our reality is shaped by our mind a lot.
You can be in the same physical space, experiencing the same physical events as another person, and yet your reality can feel completely different.
So instead of only asking yourself, “How can I become more confident?”, start asking yourself:
“How would a confident person think about this situation?”
And then experiment with adopting that thought pattern yourself.
5. Present Yourself in the Best Way
External appearance really does matter, and it can increase your confidence.
Oh, this may be controversial.
You’ve probably heard it many times: “Don’t judge a book by its cover. It’s what’s on the inside that really matters.”
But here’s the truth.
People do judge other people by their appearance, especially when they first meet them.
You have only a few seconds to make a first impression on someone, so why not use that to your advantage?
Even if you’re shy and introverted, you are allowed to stand out with your beautiful, elegant clothing, feminine clothing, or whatever style you want to wear as a woman.
And especially for us women, our external appearance can be strategically important.
It can influence how people perceive you, how they approach you, and sometimes even the opportunities and treatment you receive.
I remember there was an intern coming to my office, and she was a very beautiful girl. On top of that, she would wear quite feminine and even a bit revealing clothing.
Now, I personally don’t think it’s appropriate to wear such clothing in the office, but that’s not the point here.
In any case, most of my colleagues are male, because I work in a very masculine environment.
And they were really allured by her.
That day, they were helping her with absolutely everything. They were trying to help with every little detail, making sure that everything worked.
And when we went out for lunch, everyone wanted to pay for her.
She got three or four free vouchers for lunch.
And you know what she said?
“Oh, I guess it’s my lucky day.”
And I really remember this event because it made me realize that you can be beautiful, take care of your appearance, and just be unapologetic about it.
Appearance does matter.
And you see, if she hadn’t been that beautiful and hadn’t presented herself in that way, I’m sure she wouldn’t have received all that help and those free lunches.
And it’s the same for every woman.
Every woman is beautiful in her own way, and I think taking care of your beauty and appearance is really important for us.
It can be strategic because of the opportunities and the way people respond to you.
So take the time to put your makeup on, dress nicely, do your hair, whatever makes you feel beautiful, and then look at how it changes your reality.
Especially if you’re shy, don’t think that you need to hide yourself because you’re afraid of attention.
You are allowed to look beautiful.
You are allowed to stand out.
And you are allowed to enjoy the advantages that come with presenting yourself in the best way!
