You’ve probably heard that being “unbothered” and a little distant makes men chase you. Or even that ignoring men will make them more interested.
But here’s the problem. I asked men whether it’s attractive when a woman is busy with her own life and kind of ignores them.
Ignoring him, like when he’s playing games? Absolutely not.
Many of them said that if a woman ignores them, it simply means she’s not interested.
But a woman who isn’t clingy and doesn’t make drama when he has to work late? Absolutely yes.
Research on attraction says the same: people are more intrigued by someone once they know that person is interested in them, plus a little uncertainty.
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So the secret is not ignoring him.
It’s showing him you’re interested and having a full life of your own. Here are 9 habits that helped me becoming a happy woman on my own, while being in a relationship.
1: Let him know you’re interested
First, this may sound counterintuitive, since today’s topic is being busy with your own life.
However, you have to show your partner clearly that you’re interested. This is not only my personal opinion, but it is also backed by research.
You can show interest with open body language and a small smile, just a little, not too much.
But of course, I believe it’s the man’s job to chase you: to come toward you and ask you out.
Once you’re dating or in a long-term relationship, it’s important to keep showing him you’re interested, without being desperate.
So how do you do that?
This applies when he has already made it clear FIRST that he loves you and wants to be with you. Then… you can reciprocate.
Tell him you love him, and give him compliments: “I love when you take me out on dates,” “You’re so organized,” “I feel so safe with you.”
By sharing how you feel around him (safe, taken care of, loved), you show him you’re interested.
But showing interest is only half of it. The other half is having a life of your own.
2: Get a life
You’ve probably heard that being hard to get is extremely attractive, and it turns out that’s true!
But some women confuse being hard to get with waiting an hour to answer the phone. There’s nothing wrong with answering immediately.
Being hard to get means having a life of your own: your hobbies, your family, your friends.
Of course, especially in a long-term relationship, your partner becomes your new family, and he takes a lot of your time, thoughts, and life.
That’s absolutely normal.
But you shouldn’t change completely for a man, or drop all your hobbies and friends just because you’re in a relationship or married.
A full life also plays another important role: it makes you feel safer.
God forbid, but if your man ever lets you down, he isn’t 100% of your life. You still have your family, your hobbies, and something to focus on.
This safety cushion isn’t there because you’re scared of splitting up. It’s there to give you the confidence to detach from him a little and so that you are able to flourish as a woman, feeling safe and feminine.
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3: Be a multi-dimensional feminine queen
This is an extension of the previous habit. Many women identify with only one dimension: “I’m a wife,” “I’m a mom,” “I’m a businesswoman.”
But it’s even more powerful to grow in many dimensions at once.
Being a wife doesn’t mean you stop developing yourself, and being a mom doesn’t mean you’re suddenly not sexy anymore.
Keep developing yourself as a woman in different areas: your beauty, your health and body, your career, your relationship, your social life, your finances, maybe your spiritual life.
But how do you combine all of it? I have created a system that you can apply to your own life.
All of this makes you more interesting.
It also means that if one pillar fails, you still have many others.
Even if you suddenly lose your job, you haven’t lost your identity.
4: Stop thinking so much about him
So many women do this, including my old self: thinking too much about what he says, what he does, where he is, what he’s doing, and who he’s with.
Once we’re in a relationship, we want to be with him all the time.
And when he does something slightly bad, it ruins our whole day.
We put 100% of our attention on him and let him take over our mind.
It’s really hard to stop, but you have to, and this is exactly what the men I interviewed were saying.
Being emotionally needy and emotionally dependent is a turn-off for men, and it’s also a disservice to you, because it makes you desperate.
What’s most attractive is a woman who is emotionally independent, who can handle being alone when he works late.
If he’s on a business trip, you’re not sitting at home watching the clock and creating weird scenarios in your head about him cheating on you.
That only creates drama and clinginess.
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He comes home, you pick a fight, and you project your own insecurities onto him.
That’s not sexy and not attractive.
So how do you fix it? Put yourself back as the main character in your own mind.
Ask yourself: “Why am I allowing this man to take so much of my energy? Honestly, why?”
You deserve to be the queen of your thoughts, of your mind, and of your life.
Whenever you start to spiral, remember that. Reset, and refocus on yourself as the center of your life.
5: Let him fantasize about you
When you stop thinking about him so much, something interesting happens: he starts thinking about you.
Many women simply think too much about men. But it should be the other way around.
He should be the one fantasizing about you.
He should be wondering: Where is she? What is she doing? How does she look? Who is she talking to?…
He should feel a little unsure and a little nervous: What does she think of me? Does she accept me?
You should be the fantasy in his head.
6: Visualize the worst-case scenario as your safety net
This habit is meant to help with emotional dependency and clinginess.
Imagine the worst-case scenario. For many of us, it’s something like “he cheats on me” or “he leaves me.”
Now think about it this way: you love him. Would you cheat on him? No, you wouldn’t. So why would he, if he loves you?
And if he doesn’t love you, and he does cheat, why would you want to be with such a man?
Why would you waste your precious time on this planet on a man who doesn’t value you?
If he did value you, he would treat you like a queen.
He would see you as a precious diamond, something he doesn’t want to lose.
If he leaves you, it’s the same: why waste your time on someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
This shift in thinking helps you realize: wow, I’m so valuable.
I deserve a man who really wants to be with me, who values my time and is there for me.
7: Focus on improving yourself (especially your beauty)
What also helps your attractiveness, because it creates a little detachment from him, is focusing on yourself, especially on improving your beauty.
When you focus on yourself, you start to see yourself as more worthy and more important.
And for women especially, working on our beauty is quite emotional: it helps with confidence and self-acceptance.
So pick one area of your appearance to improve.
For example: “This month I want to improve my hair.”
Rethink your hair care routine, find new products, try a new way to style or color your hair, or add nice hair accessories.
Bring it to the highest level you can, then move on to the next part of yourself.
8: Work on your insecurities
Many women have insecurities, especially in the era of social media, where it feels like every woman is perfect except ourselves.
That amplifies our insecurities even more, which is why it’s so important to work on them.
Work on whatever bothers you mentally.
Maybe you think you’re not pretty enough. Find a way to work on that.
Maybe you feel you’re too voluptuous. You can work on that by accepting yourself, or, if it’s true for you, by working on your body, because it’s healthier and can also increase your attractiveness (research backs this up (1, 2)).
By working on your insecurities, you build your confidence, and that increases your attractiveness tremendously.
9: Don’t do emotional drama
This is something the men I interviewed all said they find very unattractive: a woman who is dramatic.
And many of us do it, because we are emotional beings and quite different from men in this regard.
Drama can mean writing him huge paragraphs, or sending long messages to understand why he ghosted you.
Or maybe he comes home late because of work, and even though he told you, you just can’t be at peace with yourself.
So when he arrives, you get passive-aggressive and pick a fight.
The woman who is really attractive is calm. She is secure in herself and stable with her emotions.
You have such a full life, and you feel so secure that life will always work out for you, that even when he misbehaves, you don’t lash out.
You don’t shout at him or throw things.
That doesn’t mean you have no boundaries. It means you communicate them with maturity.
For example: “It hurt me when you came home late without texting. Next time, please let me know.”
